I mind my business but i do pay attention

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It’s often tempting to get involved in other people’s private conversations, lives, and problems. However, interrupting or entangling yourself with personal dramas that don’t directly affect you can be both unhelpful to the parties concerned and damaging to your own mental health. You will be happier and earn more respect from your peers if you learn when and how to mind your own business. Minding your own business doesn’t mean evading responsibility or ignoring the world around you. It simply means knowing when it’s best to avoid interfering.

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   Recognize if an issue directly concerns you or not.[1] Unless you are an immediate participant in a personal situation, it’s best to mind your business by not getting yourself directly involved. Even if you are indirectly affected by an issue, that does not mean that it’s about you or gives you the right to intervene.[2]

   • A useful exercise for gaining perspective on a situation is making a ring chart to analyze your relationship to it. Start by drawing a circle and writing those who are directly involved in the situation in the center. Then, draw another ring for those people who are most affected by the issue. Keep drawing outer circles like ripples for each level of people affected, and see where you fall on the chart.
   • For example, if you’re thinking about a friend’s breakup, the couple would go in the center. Their family would come next, and friends like you would come third. Seeing this visually can help you recognize that, though you’re affected, it’s still not your drama to sort out. The best thing you can do is to support those who are more directly involved.
   • Keep in mind that this is not to say that you should not get involved with social issues, like poverty or children’s health, that don’t affect you directly. However, you should be sensitive to work with those people who the issue at hand does directly affect if you do.

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   Respect boundaries.[3] Recognize that everyone has a right to privacy and that each person is in charge of their own lives. Don’t expect people to share personal information or try to exert control over how others use their time or resources.

   • One good way of respecting boundaries is being careful not to overstep your relationship with a person. For instance, if you’re dealing with someone who is a co-worker or client, be sure to keep your interactions professional. If you’re not a child’s parent, it’s not a good idea to try and discipline them.
   • Another important element of respecting boundaries is accepting other people’s right to their own values, beliefs, and opinions. While you may disagree with them, it’s often best to mind your business rather than trying to interfere with others’ belief systems.

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   Pay attention to cues. Step back when people communicate directly or indirectly that you should do so. Respect others when they tell you that something is not your business and/or change the subject. Even when they don’t explicitly tell you to butt out, be aware of what their body language is saying.

   • For instance, if people are avoiding eye contact, angling away from you, or crossing their arms as you speak, they’re probably silently asking for you not to interrupt or intervene.

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   Assess the risk involved in a situation. Minding your own business does not mean being a bystander when you encounter a situation that’s potentially dangerous. If you see someone engaging in a high-risk behavior that is illegal, physically destructive, and/or potentially harmful to themselves or others, it’s responsible to intervene, especially if no one else is.[4]

   • For example, if you see two people getting into an altercation, it’s time to call the police, not to mind your own business. If a person is drunk and planning on driving, it’s fine to intervene and take their keys since they have great potential to do harm to themselves and others.

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   Don’t butt in. If there’s a conversation, meeting, or exclusive event to which you have not been invited, it’s best not to interrupt or intervene. Stay away or walk away.

   • While being excluded can feel hurtful, it’s important to recognize that there may be good reasons why something is not your business.

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   Don’t offer unsolicited advice. It’s tempting to weigh in when you see something that doesn’t mesh with your own daily practices or lifestyle choices. However, doing so implies that you know better. People are not likely to take kindly to your intervention unless they’re explicitly seeking it.[5]

   • If you find yourself wanting to confer nuggets of wisdom, remind yourself that everyone is entitled to make their own choices and that the way they choose to live their life does not affect you.
   • Part of this is respecting others’ choices and space. If you’re at another person’s house, don’t assume that they should live as you do. Let them practice their habits and norms without intervention.

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   Avoid judging others. It’s natural to make judgements, so it’s important to be aware of and curb the downsides of that instinct. When it comes to minding your business, avoiding snap judgements means foregoing the assumption that you fully understand a situation. Give everyone involved the benefit of the doubt until you do.[6]

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   Support others without intervening. Minding your business does not mean that you should not offer love and support to others. It simply means that you should not assume to the role of fixer for their problems, which usually only complicates a matter instead of solving it.[7]

   • For instance, if your brother is getting a divorce, it’s not wise to try and play marriage counselor. However, offering him your comfort and company or taking care of his kids from time to time will help him out without contributing to the stress or drama of the situation.

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   Keep your distance or walk away. Gossiping is inappropriate (and often unsubstantiated) talk about others’ personal affairs. It’s the opposite of minding your own business. If you know people are gossiping or prone to gossip, the easiest solution is to keep your distance.[8]

   • If you find yourself involved in a conversation that involves gossip, you can powerfully communicate your objection by simply walking away. Give yourself an out, such as, "Sorry to interrupt; I’ve got work to do," and excuse yourself from the situation.

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   Change the subject. If a conversation veers towards gossip, steer it in a different direction. This will demonstrate that you’re not willing to participate in gossip without having to admonish the guilty parties.[9]

   • The best way to do this is to refocus the conversation on a big-picture issue rather than on a private one. For instance, if you’re at work, switch to discussing the business rather than a fellow employee’s personal business.

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   Stop the cycle of rumors. Don’t let yourself be drawn in by gossip or reciprocate by adding new fodder to the conversation. It’s better to stay silent. If you do find yourself in a gossipy conversation, don’t repeat its contents elsewhere. Make sure the buck stops with you.[10]

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   Catch yourself in the act. If you find yourself making or about to make a gossipy remark, gently stop yourself. If you slip up in a conversation, acknowledge that your remarks were inappropriate, and change the subject.[11]

   • Doing so will enhance your awareness of how you participate in gossip, and make it easier to avoid in the future. It also gives you a chance to set an example by taking responsibility for perpetuating rumors and negative behaviors.

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   Make a conscious effort to share positive news. Gossip is a negative form of speculation about others. Counter it by focusing your conversations on the good things you know about a person.[12]

   • For instance, if someone is spreading rumors about the sex life of your co-worker Anthony, refocus the conversation on his recent standout report or volunteer work at the local food bank.

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   Set the example. You want to show that you won’t participate in damaging gossip, but you also don’t want to seem self-righteous about it (which is a form of interfering in itself). The solutions is to be a leader through your actions and behavior, not through lecturing or being dogmatic.[13]

   • If you’re having trouble staying away from gossip, start small. Challenge yourself to not participate for a full day. If you succeed, extend the length of your next challenge until it becomes a habit rather than a challenge.

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• Question

  Is it bad to mind your own business?

  

  Lynda Jean is an Image Consultant and the Owner of Lynda Jean Image Consulting. With over 15 years of experience, Lynda specializes in color and body/style analysis, wardrobe audits, personal shopping, social and professional etiquette, and personal and business branding. She works with clients to enhance their image, self-esteem, behavior, and communication to facilitate their social and career goals. Lynda holds Bachelor degrees in Sociology and Social Work, a Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work, and a Certified Image Consultant (CIC) certification. She studied Image Consulting at the International Image Institute and the International Academy of Fashion and Technology in Toronto, Canada. Lynda has taught Image Consulting courses at George Brown College in Toronto, Canada. She is the co-author of the book, “Business Success With Ease,” where she shares her knowledge about, ‘The Power of Professional Etiquette.’

  

  Certified Image Consultant

  Expert Answer

• Question

  If someone tells me what they are planning to do, does that plan become my business also?

  

  Nope, only if that person asks you for advice and/or you have some kind of relevant information to help them with their plan. Of course, if their plan involves hurting themselves or someone else or otherwise committing a crime, you should inform the authorities.

• Question

  Why do people feel to need to get involve in other people's business?

  

  The person might be curious about the other person's private life. He or she might also feel left out, and believe that by getting involved, he or she will fit in better. Lastly, the person might simply care or feel concerned for the other person.

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• If you're wondering whether you should say something or not, you probably shouldn't.[14]

• Learning to mind your own business also takes time. Being aware of the problem and how to address it is the first step. Be patient with yourself as you figure out how to implement these lessons into your life.

• Learning to mind your business can have significant personal and social payoffs by making you a happier and more likable person.

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• Minding your own business doesn't mean being oblivious to the world or completely ignoring everybody. Instead, it’s about knowing the right times and situations in which to intervene.

• Minding your own business does not mean that you should be a bystander when it comes to harmful or illegal activities. Always contact the relevant authorities if you see something amiss.

• Even when people are directly asking you to intervene, it’s never wise to put yourself in the middle of someone else’s problem. Instead, offer them support, and recommend trained professional help when necessary.

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Article SummaryX

To mind your own business, avoid talking about issues that don’t directly affect you, since this might help spread false rumors. For example, if you’ve heard that a friend of a friend has gotten pregnant, don’t tell other people the news, as it doesn’t involve you. Try to only share positive news, like if someone you know won a sports competition or got into a good college. You shouldn’t offer advice to anyone about their personal life unless they ask for it so you don’t risk upsetting them. You also shouldn’t interrupt people’s conversations to give your opinion if they don’t ask you. For more tips, including how to support someone without getting involved in their business, read on!

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